[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
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every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.